Finding Universal Empathy
Everyone wants to be happy, healthy, and successful, yet many of us fail. Why can't we start with this truth before judging others? Some of us have the genetics and environmental conditions that lead us to achieve these goals, while others don't - it's sort of that simple. But it's also so, so complicated.
If you agree with this premise, then let me show you how we can all gain universal empathy for just about anyone without even knowing anything about them.
Let’s practice by looking at a homeless man. Let’s say that he is white, in his mid-fifties, and living in Boston. You walk by him, and see that he has a sign asking for money, and a “god bless you” written on it. You could think any number of things. Geesh, get a job. I’m not going to give him money, he’ll only use it for drugs. I’d give him some change, but I don’t have any. If I had some food I’d give it to him, but I don’t. Or maybe he reminds you of a family member and you feel bad for him and drive away. Hell, you might even want to give him a chance, and give him a $50 bill.
Regardless of your personal thoughts, if, before you think about him, you begin with our initial assumption, then your ensuing thoughts will likely come from a place of curiosity, understanding, and ultimately empathy. If we start by assuming that this homeless man initially wanted to be happy, healthy, and successful, you have established a common starting point. Our next thought, instead of calling him lazy, or a drug addict, might be “I wonder what happened in his life to bring him to this point?” Or, it could be “I wonder what potential illness or addiction he has that has impaired him so substantially that he finds himself in this position?” Those two thoughts are decidedly different in tone and come from a different place than labeling him as lazy or an addict. He is a human, who supposedly had similar dreams and goals to you at one point, but somewhere along the way, he struggled so significantly that he couldn’t fix his life. Finally, you’re beginning to empathize with this person.
You may not wish to give him money at this point, and I certainly won’t argue that, but now you’re beginning to see this man as a human, just like you, who led a life that wasn’t quite as smooth or successful as yours. I’m sure that you worked hard to arrive at where you are in life, but I’m equally confident that this homeless man also worked hard, but his hard work didn’t yield the same kind of results that yours did. I’m sure that he wanted success. I’m sure that he wanted to learn. But perhaps his genetics and parenting didn’t prove to be a good match for him, and Math, or English was simply too great a barrier for him, and he started to fail. Perhaps his parents didn’t have the time to help him, or the school system didn’t have the support staff to help him. Or perhaps he had an undiagnosed mental illness, along with a learning disability, that created the perfect storm which precluded either academic or career success. We don’t know, but going down this potential pathway begins to sow the seeds of empathy and compassion.
If you had all the time in the world, perhaps asking the man to tell you his story would help. It would show him that you cared enough to listen, and listen without judgment. It would show him that he was a person with a story that deserved to be heard. No, it probably wouldn’t fix his life, but who’s to say that everything can be fixed. Sometimes, all someone needs is a little sympathy to make them feel like someone else in the world understands them for a while.
Moving onto a harder example: a rapist. Yes, the word itself already dehumanizes the person. Instead, let’s call the person a man who committed rape, for it’s the act that is disgusting, not necessarily the person himself. Stay with me during this one, for as uncomfortable as it may feel to find empathy for a person who committed rape, it will prove valuable in allowing us to rid ourselves of anger in numerous other situations. If we can empathize with a person who committed rape, think of how easy it will be to empathize with a teenager who toilet-papered our house.
So, if we start with the assumption that the man who committed rape wanted to be happy, healthy, and successful, we can then move onto understanding what led to him committing this crime. Firstly, psychology largely tells us that rape is about control. So it’s likely that this individual craves control, especially control over individuals that can’t harm him. He prefers to prey upon women, probably younger, more frail women, who can’t defend themselves. He might also choose females who have a victim-mindset, or have anxiety, so he can leverage his sense of control over them. Why he needs control is likely a result of his fear of losing control, or lack of confidence in himself in general. He either lacks the skills or the belief that he can make a woman like him by simply being himself, so he feels that he needs to control someone else to prove to himself that he can get what he wants and deserves. Perhaps he feels that he deserves the pleasures of sex just as much as the next man, for media often suggests that if we can’t obtain quality sex regularly, something must be wrong with us. So this man, feeling pressure to obtain this sex that he feels he deserves to be successful and normal, becomes desperate in an attempt to control a woman into doing something that she doesn’t want to do. He may legitimize this action as something he deserves. Or, he may legitimize it as the fact that he’s stronger than her, and if he takes the initiative and forces his will on her, then to the winner goes the spoils. Whatever his motive, I think it’s clear that this man is struggling to achieve success and happiness through healthier means, and is resorting to desperate measures. While none of these thought-exercises justify or forgive his actions, it helps us to feel sorry for, and ultimately find sympathy for this man, rather than just feel anger towards the heinous crime. Yes, rape is absolutely awful, but if all we feel is blind anger towards this person, it won’t help us understand him better, and it may end up harming us if we fail to release that anger eventually.
No one is arguing that this doesn’t require some effort. You may wonder why the onus isn’t on the criminal or homeless person to explain himself to you so that you can find empathy with them. Why should I have to do thought exercises every time I see someone struggling so that I don’t judge or discriminate against them? Because if you don’t, then the divide between you and “them” will grow larger everyday, and soon you’ll find that you’re only surrounded by people that look and act just like you. Because keeping anger bottled up can cause physical and mental harm to you that will impair your overall health. And because empathy is a skill, and over time it will become easier for you to feel this emotion when you see others struggling or floundering.
The world has plenty of anger and hatred. What it needs more of is empathy. Empathy helps us to pause, convert our anger into sympathy, and convert our sympathy into compassion. This compassion will lead to actions that help these individuals, and together, we can all make the world a place where there is less suffering, less anger, and less hatred. All it takes is a bit of time, a bit of understanding, and a small assumption: that we all want to be happy, healthy, and successful in this life.
