Childhood and Amnesia
Childhood. We all had one, however brief. Yet it alludes us most easily, making us scratch our heads with frustration and confusion when observing children that are making silly mistakes or just being plain disobedient. There seems to be a gap between their experience, and our memory of what it was like to be a child ourselves.
As parents, the goal of raising a child seems straightforward enough: teach him the life skills necessary to survive on his own, without being overly dependent on others. Once that is achieved, you have successfully performed your duties as a parent. The child will now “succeed” without your assistance. Congratulations, the hard work is over! Now you get to enjoy your children and grandchildren without the pressure to instill all the serious survival skills.
Grandchildren can be so much fun because unlike your children, you aren’t responsible for teaching them survival skills - that’s your children’s job now . So you can pamper and spoil and have fun with your grandchildren and let your children deal with the serious stuff. The parents are responsible for having the talk about the birds and the bees, NOT the grandparents (that is if they’re both alive.)
But back to childhood for a moment, and how challenging it can be to both understand a child, and have them understand us. When we look at children, be it our own or someone else's, we are looking at them through the eyes of an adult, who is generally responsible, careful, and plans ahead. This adult has a fully formed ego/identity, and has learned how to control various aspects of the future in a way that a child can’t. Yet, without being able to see the world through the eyes of a child, the relationship between parent and child is significantly limited. This limited relationship will never have the same understanding as that of a relationship with one of your friends, or your spouse. For you speak your spouse’s language, but we generally don’t speak our children’s language - they speak fantasy.
Children, especially pre-adolescents, speak in a fantasy-type language, that is both wonderful and confusing. In order to communicate in this world with them, one must actually enter into the fantasy world. But the difficulty we have as adults entering into and out of this fantasy world is real. In fact, it’s so challenging for many people, that they simply can’t do it. Instead, they focus on goal-oriented activities like sports or games that have a clear purpose. They provide lots of structure and rules for their children’s play. They force the child to speak in the adult’s language.
The real travesty is not for the child, for he will continue in his fantasy world for many years unless a true tragedy or traumatic experience forces him to leave it prematurely. No, the real loss is for the adult who can’t get back to that childlike state.
Just why it is so difficult to “flip the switch” between the responsible adult-world and the carefree child-world, I would like to examine, and possibly posit some techniques to make this switch easier.
Let’s take an example of an adult who has obtained the childlike fantasy state: a person on psychedelics. For those who are familiar with psychedelics, they often restore that childlike wonderment that eludes us as an adult. We are exquisitely sensitive to our surroundings: temperature, lights, sounds - similar to a child. We look at things as though examining them for the first time. We are full of curiosity and experimentation. We are creative, imaginative, and full of laughter. Additionally, we feel connected to other living creatures, non-animals included, and feel greater empathy and compassion. Yet, the flip-side of this experience is often a shedding of one’s ego, or identity, and a sensation that you are no longer “you.” This “you”, is our adult identity, or ego that we have formed throughout our lives. Every experience, every mistake and success, is merged together to create who we are. But once we’ve created our identity, we narrow and filter what information we see through the lens of this ego. We no longer pay attention to the environment in a childlike-way, but rather rush through life, missing nearly everything. We have less empathy for anything and anyone that appears different than ourselves. We begin to lack compassion for those in need, and this egocentric focus often leads to isolation and loneliness.
The problem with living like a child is that we focus on the present, leaving ourselves unprotected from the future. Furthermore, our lack of a true identity leaves us vulnerable, like a soft-shelled crab. Our empathy and compassion may be seen as a weakness by some, increasing the likelihood that someone will take advantage of us. Oh, and the idea of making money is almost sickening. Thus, there are certainly risks to this child-like state.
On the other hand, living like an ego, with a rigid identity is often comfortable, but it lacks meaning and a purpose. Obtaining money, being right, and controlling one’s life becomes dull and monotonous, especially if you’re winning in most things. If the goal of life is to make enough money to retire, then what do you do once you retire? Play more golf? Buy more stuff? You are left with the realization that you’ve missed something important along the way, but there’s not enough time to go back and recapture it. You may look at the joy in children and hope that it can rub off on you, but the gap is simply too large for most people to cross, and they are forever stuck on the other side, enjoying it indirectly, but never again directly.
What is the answer? To simultaneously be child-like and an ego? No, they’re incompatible simultaneously. While one can grow closer to the middle, there is an actual divide that must be crossed in order to really see and experience life from the other side.
My belief is that the best strategy is to find a career and partner that allows you to switch back and forth into your child-like state of wonderment multiple times throughout the year. Having a flexible job and partner will help make this possible. This might require two different jobs, or a more creative approach to work, but if you wait until you retire to try to regain this child-like state, it’s too late. You’ve built too many habits, the sum of which constitute your total being, and you can’t just snap your fingers and rebuild all new habits - even hypnosis has its limits.
Ways to break the glass and truly see and experience life in a wonderful child-like state:
Take psychedelics: First, read Michael Pollan’s book How to Change Your Mind and then take some. But remember that site and setting are the chief determinants of your experience. Having an experienced guide with you who stays sober is recommended.
Go on a spiritual retreat: Yes, these can be expensive, but they don’t have to be. You can create one with your friends, or spouse, and just rent an airbnb in a secluded part of the state, with no wifi, and minimal distractions. Find a type of meditation that works for you, and really sink into it. It may take the first day just to unwind and shake the vestiges of the old ego-world off, but if you are given multiple hours every day in a peaceful and tranquil place, you’re giving yourself a chance to shed your ego.
Go camping in the woods for a while with only the essentials. Being in nature will help you focus on the environment, and get out of your head, where your ego is fueled. Get away from wifi and luxuries, and try to connect to the other plants and animals that live like this every day.
Experiment with drummings, dances, and breathwork that induce a trance-like state. If done for long enough, you may be able to shift the way your brain works and begin to shed your ego.
Surround yourself with children and become engrossed in their world. You’re not playing parent here, but rather playing with them.
There are undoubtedly numerous more strategies and techniques to help you reconnect to your inner child and experience the wonderment and joy that children experience on a daily basis. It may seem distant and far away, but it’s much closer than you think. You just need to trust yourself and let go. The rest will take care of itself.
