The Paradox of Influence
Ego. We’re all familiar with it. Images of various people might pop into your mind when thinking of it: Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan. It’s associated with a self-interested person who cares little for others. Selfishness coupled with an inflated sense of self. A cousin of narcissism. But like war, what is it good for?
Ego is defined as “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.” In psychoanalytic terms, it is really associated with identity. In reality, it is useful. It helps us to describe ourselves, define boundaries, interact with others, find groups to which we belong, and create large ideas around ourselves.
Those with large egos often accomplish large things. By that I mean that they often influence the world in dramatic ways, be it wars, monuments, policies, gene pools, history books etc. It’s usually the largest egos that are remembered. Think of Winston Churchill. He had a large ego, often appearing “larger than life.” He is written about extensively, remembered in the history books, and largely credited for being the greatest oppositional block in Hitler’s march toward world domination. So what’s wrong with a large ego?
The problem is that as we grow our ego, we also increase our armor, or rather a layer of identity that sort of protects ourselves from other people. Imagine Genghis Khan losing in a chess match to one of his soldiers. Immediately afterwards he feels anger and frustration. But just as quickly as that frustration comes, it is replaced with the mantra: I’m Ghenghis Khan, ruler of nations, conqueror of Asia, father of thousands. I don’t care about this silly chess game. His ego protected him from the feelings of frustration, and from the feelings of vulnerability. As Genghis Khan slaughtered and raped more and more people, his ego expanded, protecting him from not only his own vulnerabilities, but also from his own humanity. In the process his empathy shrank, and along with it, his sympathy and compassion. Eventually, I’d imagine that feelings of love and connection all but disappeared. His focus was solely on power and domination. A “successful” life I suppose, but an oddly isolated and insulated one, from a human and emotional standpoint.
In order to feel connected to our more human side, and especially other humans, we must shed this ego, like a crab sheds its shell. This is a scary process, and it may take a long time, sometimes an entire lifetime to accomplish. This process of shedding one’s ego really means detaching from one’s identity. It means reconnecting to the common experiences and emotions that make us human, and distancing ourselves from the words and ideas that constitute our “identity.” Instead of thinking, “I’m Genghis Khan, ruler of Asia,” he would think, “I’m a human being, with needs and feelings and desires that all people have.” This detaching from our identity leaves us vulnerable, like a soft-shell crab. It’s uncomfortable to give up our identity that has protected us so well, and venture into the world without protection. Without our ego-shell, we are more susceptible to insults, attacks, and other egos’ influences on us. We are essentially child-like.
Yet, the benefit of this state is that we become more deeply human. We feel experiences and emotions more intensely, and more fully. We feel more love and connection to other people. We cry and laugh more frequently. We are able to live in the moment and experience the beauty of just being to a greater degree. The newly molted crab feels the water on its shell with exquisite tenderness. It feels more alive than the older, hard-shelled crab, who is rigid and protected. One may not see the benefits of shedding one’s ego, but the benefits aren’t seen, but rather experienced. It’s essentially trading in your influence and power for joy and connection, and it’s a trade that cannot be measured by the history books or your bank account.
Recent research is showing just how harmful isolation and loneliness is to humans. Some studies are showing loneliness to be more harmful than smoking cigarettes. People are trying to devise treatments that will alleviate this growing loneliness problem, and help humans to feel more connected.
Here’s the bottom line: if you crave connection to others, shed your ego. Begin detaching your idea of who you are from the familiar identity words: doctor, Red Sox fan, man, sports fan, and begin describing yourself as a human, with universal needs that all humans have. You are a human in a world full of other humans, who crave connection. This connection isn’t found by increasing one’s ego and exerting power and influence over others. It’s found by shedding one’s ego, relaxing the reliance on identity, and becoming vulnerable. In this state, like a soft-shell crab, we can focus on just being, and experience the full range of emotions that make the human experience so transcendent.
If you want to change the world, get written about in the history books, and live a lonely isolated life, build your ego. If you’d rather enjoy your singular and fleeting human existence at the deepest and most intense levels possible, then shed your ego, and trade history for a truly connected and joyful feeling of being. It’s entirely up to you.
