Receiving Help
Help! Can you help me? I need your help? Do you have a moment to assist me? Can I ask you a favor? Do you have a minute?
For most people, these are uncomfortable questions to ask. We like to be independent, not relying on anyone else for anything. We like to think that we’re fully formed, stout individuals who can face any challenge or threat on our own, and overcome it by our sheer will and intelligence. It sounds nice. It makes us feel like a superhero. But it’s unrealistic.
“Everybody needs somebody sometime.” We’re all familiar with this song lyric by Ann Margaret, but have we really stopped to ponder its truth? We all need help sometimes. No one is a self-made millionaire. No one raised themselves from a baby up to an adult. Even geniuses are often severely lacking in skills in some area, and need assistance from someone else. Batman needed Alfred and Robin. Superman needed Lois. We all need someone at sometime.
So, if we’re all going to need to ask for help at some point in our life, why is it so hard for us to do so? Why does it feel so uncomfortable? And why does it feel like we shouldn’t have to ask for help?
Largely, it’s our pride, or ego that gets in the way. It’s this false notion that we can do anything on our own, and that we don’t need other people. It’s this false identity of a superhero that can conquer any challenge independently that creates this resistance to asking and receiving help. But once we can realize that this is a fantasy identity, or a distortion of reality, we can realize that asking for help is simply a way to love ourselves. If we encounter a problem or resistance in our lives that we can’t overcome, we can choose to struggle and suffer on our own, or we can ask for help. If we ask for help, we can often end the suffering, and overcome the resistance. By asking for help, we’re simply making our lives easier, and more pleasant. It’s the stubborn people who try to do everything on their own that end up suffering by refusing to ask for help.
Once we’ve let go of our pride and decided to ask for help, we need to keep our ego at bay, and allow the other person to actually help us. This means NOT putting stipulations on the help. It means being open to receiving help the way that the person wishes to help us. It means possibly listening to this person, even if we already know what she’s telling us. It means being gracious and grateful for the help, rather than rushing the person, or trying to pull out the one thing that you want from her, and then dismissing her.
The wording for help is also important. “Would you have time to help me today” is great. “I need help now,” is obviously not good. Being as open and flexible as possible when you ask for help is ideal. Keep in mind that you’re asking for this person’s time, which is valuable. If you respect her time, it’ll be much easier for her to want to help you in the future.
Once the person is ready to help you, try to stop what you’re doing and let her help you. Having her work around your schedule is rude. You’re the one asking for help - make time for her. Asking for a meeting, and then placing strict restrictions on the meeting time is insensitive and impolite.
After you’ve received the help, make sure to not only thank the person, but also tell her how grateful you are for her help, and let her know how much easier she made your life with her assistance. The more appreciation you can lavish upon the helper, the more likely the person is to help you in the future. In fact, the person helping you might end up receiving more benefit from the exchange than you did, for helping someone who is grateful and appreciative is a wonderful experience. Helping someone who is unappreciative and ungrateful, however, leads to a rapid deterioration of that relationship.
These are very simple guidelines for asking, receiving, and appreciating help. Help is so important for all of us to grow. It highlights our interconnectedness. It showcases how we are stronger united than divided. It emphasizes the power of humility and swallowing our pride. And it provides an easy path to strengthening bonds and relationships through recognizing that we all have different strengths. I’m not saying that asking for help will change the world, but if everyone who needed help learned to ask for it and receive it with grace, the world would certainly be a better place.
