Love Shouldn’t Be Conditional
Love. It can mean so many different things that we need modifiers to specify what type of love we’re talking about. Not everyone receives the same love. Some receive love that is dependent on a specific action, outcome, or performance - this is the all-too familiar conditional love. Others receive love that is independent of a specific action, outcome, or performance - this is unconditional love. Put simply, conditional love is only given when certain criteria are met, whereas unconditional love is there all the time with no strings attached.
Conditional love isn’t controversial. We’re all familiar with it, and have all experienced it at some time or another. But unconditional love is controversial. Some argue that it rarely exists, or perhaps shouldn’t exist at all. Others feel guilty thinking about it because they’re not able to provide it to others. Some confuse it with altruism, and while closely related, one is not required to have the other. I think the real problem is that believing in unconditional love can be difficult to do if you’re not a mother.
Mothers understand unconditional love. It seems like it is baked into their DNA. No matter what their children do, mothers always love them. The mother may disapprove of the behavior of her child, but she never ceases loving him. I don’t mean to imply that every mother provides unconditional love to her children, but most do. It is this uncritical love that is so essential for children to develop a sense of love for themselves, because self-love is merely unconditional love turned inward.
If we apply conditional love to ourselves, we only receive it when we’re meeting our goals, or our expectations. When we fail to meet our standards, we withhold this love, almost like a punishment, and we consequently suffer. Mistakes can be converted into lessons without suffering, and without withholding love from ourselves. In fact, we need love the most when we make a mistake, because we are vulnerable, scared, and fragile. We need someone to tell us that it’s okay, that we’re still a good person, and that we just need to correct this action moving forward.
If we learn to apply unconditional love to ourselves, however, we can do anything. We no longer have to rely on others to provide it. We can simply dip into our bottomless bucket of love and lather ourselves in self-love whenever we need it. Can you remember the feeling of safety and security that you felt when you first scraped your knee and either your mother or father scooped you up, hugged you, told you it was going to be okay, and made it all better? We can have that feeling again, by simply giving ourselves unconditional love.
If the world can learn to give itself unconditional love, I believe that most crimes, most hatred, most guilt, and most suffering could be eliminated. Love should have nothing to do with conditions or criteria - that’s called approval. Love is not about approval, it’s beyond that. Love should be free from conditions or criteria. It should be free for everyone, regardless of their intelligence, their appearance, or their accomplishments. If we learn to treat ourselves like our mothers (hopefully) did, then we can feel fulfilled, nourished, and revitalized daily. We can learn that we don’t need to hate ourselves when we make a mistake, and we don’t have to hate others when they make mistakes either. If we learn to unconditionally love ourselves, we can learn to unconditionally love others.
Let’s keep love free. Free from conditions. Free from criteria. And free for all, unconditionally.
