Identity. It’s a concept, a word, and something that we fight hard to build and protect. A firm one is the mark of a successful person. A fractured one is the mark of a broken person. If we don’t fully develop an identity, we are often diagnosed with a mental disorder. If we have multiple identities, we are sometimes called crazy. If we have a mid-life crisis, it’s a crisis of identity. Clearly, there is much effort spent to preserve this concept. But what role does it play in the larger context of suffering?

Suppose for a moment that a baby is born with a clear and obvious skill. Take Mozart, for example, whose musical abilities were unbelievably impressive for anyone his age. At the age of seven, he was playing music for various kings throughout Europe. His identity was virtually cast in iron before he had even entered puberty. Due to Mozart’s unique talent, he didn’t have to change this initial identity. His identity proved successful, and it allowed for a comfortable lifestyle. His identity granted him respect and privileges that few people his age received, and there was no reason to discard it. In fact, even if Mozart had decided to change his sexual orientation, an act today that would undoubtedly be associated with a large identity shift and possible suffering, Mozart’s identity as a musical genius would’ve been largely unaffected. The robustness of Mozart’s identity was formed early, and due to his great skill, it was protected from outside influences. While it is clear that Mozart was not free from suffering, especially financially, it appears that he never doubted his identity. Indeed, his confidence in his own abilities seemed to surpass even his father’s confidence in him, and this confidence seems to have been based in reality, owing to his legendary status. 

On the other hand, assume that a baby is born with no clear and obvious skill. Or, there is a skill in an area, but that area produces anxiety or angst in the child, pushing him away from his strongest skill. As the child matures, he struggles to find a tidy and robust identity, because the best identity harms him in some way, and the identity that makes him feel the best is not particularly useful to other people, and fails to provide him with financial stability. This person understandably feels lost, confused, unsure, and wanders through life trying to find an identity that suits him. In the meantime, he is quite vulnerable, without the durable identity of say Mozart, or any other early prodigy. The inability to find a secure identity may lead to continued anguish and instability for this individual. 

Identity issues don’t just stem from childhood, but also appear later in life in more spontaneous ways. A mother who has her only child die must deal with two tragedies simultaneously. First, she must grieve for the loss of her child. Secondly, she must form a new identity, since she is no longer an active mother. This process of forming a new identity is often more painful, and more difficult than the process of grieving. Likewise, a married couple who obtains a divorce must also reform their identities. Divorce has both an element of grief and identity change. It’s the identity change, however, that is often more difficult for people. Interacting with the world as a married person is a shield, a convenient package that people understand. The identity of a divorce now requires an explanation, requires one to dig up the painful past. Divorce may also carry with it reminders of mistakes and feelings of guilt, forcing one to repeatedly relive this unpleasant experience. 

The theory proposed here is that a vast amount of suffering in this world is directly due to issues around identity. Losing our identity, changing our identity, and rebuilding our identity are traumatic and challenging experiences. The worst part about these situations is that identity is such an abstract concept that few people properly understand it, or provide the requisite support to those struggling with it. People understand grief. People understand financial troubles. People understand infidelity. But try to explain to someone that you’re grappling with the idea that you may have multiple identities, and peoples’ eyes roll - they don’t understand. Grappling with identity issues is so challenging because it’s so very abstract and messy. There is no handbook for how to rebuild your identity, or even how rigid or fluid you want your new identity to be. There are no “5 stages of reforming your identity” like there is for grief. In fact, even most mental health professionals with whom I have worked, struggle with how to effectively help with identity issues. 

My observations are that people who can form clear identities early in life, who are able to produce stable financial returns and are morally responsible, have a huge advantage in life. Maintaining this stable identity can produce clear advantages in both relationships, career, and mental health aspects. People who struggle with these aspects of success in life, however, must continually rebuild their identities until they find one that is effective for them. One person may think that they’re going to be a doctor, owing to their strong analytical reasoning, excellent communication skills, and great memory. Yet, when they are forced to make decisions that affect peoples’ lives, their strong sense of empathy is overwhelming and paralyzing. The identity of a physician which was so close in their grasp, now slips away, leaving behind an emptiness that must be filled. The person must form a new identity, one that encompasses their strong empathy yet still utilizes these aforementioned cognitive abilities and provides for financial stability and mental health. This process could take years, leaving the person unstable and vulnerable in the process. 

On the other hand, there are downsides to having an identity that is too rigid. This may be observed in former President Trump, for example, who refused to acknowledge who he truly is, his weaknesses, his strengths, and refused to change or adapt his identity in any meaningful way to accommodate the new realities facing him and the country. A rigid identity will eventually lead to stubbornness, narcissism, and difficulty working with other people. It may make an individual feel justified in nearly every decision, largely owing to their previous successes in life. Ultimately, a rigid identity really hurts those around the person more than the person himself, but going too far in either direction can prove problematic. 

I don’t have a clear solution to the problem of identity, and the ensuing suffering from struggling to maintain a solid and stable one. I encourage more conversations about identity, and ask people to be clear and honest about the troubles they’re experiencing. When someone becomes divorced, perhaps being sensitive to the fact that the person is not only grieving from the loss of their loved one, but is also struggling with reforming a new identity, could help them. Perhaps acknowledging and reflecting that people who build an identity that is so rigid that it hurts those around them, could also help these stubborn individuals to soften their edges and adapt to the changing world. Perhaps having mental health professionals place more emphasis on issues around identity, and increasing their comfort with discussions around identity could help. Maybe even additional movies and stories that delve into this messy topic could raise awareness and help make those struggling with identity feel more comfortable and understood. 

My main hope is that people whose current identity is either unsustainable or is not working well for them are able to acknowledge the problem, accept the reality, find sympathy and support, rebuild a more comfortable and successful identity, and move forward in a healthy way. There is no avoiding the problem of identity, but if we can process this challenge more quickly, we can hopefully reduce the amount of suffering associated with this challenging task. A world with less suffering is generally a good thing.