If you’ve ever spoken to a minister, reverend, religious figure, or counselor, you know how they sound. The way in which they speak to people is different. It’s soft. It’s receptive. It’s non-judgmental. It can make you feel like all of their attention is focused on you, and that no one else in the world matters at that moment. They listen intently, with their eyes fixed upon your face, simply reflecting what you speak to them. It is quite a lovely feeling, really. 

But what if normal people started speaking like ministers on a regular basis? What if I decided to speak to my family and friends and co-workers the way that a minister would speak? How would people react? Would it harm my relationships? Improve them? 

I essentially performed this experiment unintentionally last year after I attained spiritual enlightenment. Immediately, my tone of voice, pace of speaking, inflection, focus, concern, etc. completely changed. My counselor told me that he had only ever seen this type of dramatic change in one of his patients who had actually died and came back to life. My counselor had been trying to help me to speak more slowly, calmly, and deliberately, since I erred towards hypomania, and poof, all of a sudden, I was doing just that. 

As I continued to interact with people, it was evident that this new way of speaking resonated with some, but not others. I discovered that the intense focus I showered upon some people was simply too much for them. My mother, for example, did not feel comfortable with the absolute focus that I’d give her while she was speaking to me. She wanted me to listen to her, but not to listen with 100% focus. The way that I interpreted this was that she did not feel that she was worthy of my undivided attention, and felt more comfortable when only some attention was given to her. 

Another friend, on the other hand, who had a higher sense of self-esteem, loved the undivided attention, which allowed her to talk for long periods of time without my gaze or focus waning. This made her feel loved and cared for, and strengthened our bond. 

During this time when I spoke like a reverend, I also joined many organizations such as a church, a choir, a volunteer position at a library, a support group, and a musical theatre production. In each of these environments, the reverend-like speaking served me well. I think the most beneficial aspect was that I had little interest in speaking about myself, instead preferring to listen and absorb, and simply repeat back to these people what I had heard, with occasional positive reinforcements. This more passive and reflective style of speaking meant that I offended no one, because I wasn’t throwing out my own opinions and stances. Rather, these people found that I was not a threat. Indeed, they enjoyed my company because I listened, reflected, and chose my words and responses carefully. 

When bringing the reverend-style of speaking to my close friends and brother, they were a bit overwhelmed, but not alarmed. Due to our existing relationship, I would be physically close to these people while talking, sometimes inches apart, speaking very softly and slowly. I would look directly into their eyes and speak from the heart. I would tell them that I loved them. I would express my gratitude towards them. I would tell them how valuable they were to me. This likely served to strengthen our relationship, but it certainly altered the dynamics previously established. In one relationship, it pushed the person away. It seems like close relationships is the area that is most sensitive to this drastic shift in one’s demeanor. 

In summary, I view the “reverend-style” of speaking more as a switch to be flipped when needed. Not to say that this is an “act,” but rather, it is a style of speaking that can be very helpful when first meeting people, when talking to a sensitive or vulnerable person, or when you need to appeal to a diverse group of people without offending anyone. It requires that the person drop all ego, take himself out of the equation, and really focus on the other person, which can be difficult at first, but almost refreshing with time. All-in-all, I’d say that it’s a useful tool to have at your disposal ready to be used when necessary. The more versatile you can be with various human interactions, the more effective a communicator you will become.