Cultivating Internal Validation
Validation. It sounds good. It feels good. It seems like a safe word, and it largely is. But there is a critical difference that is often ignored in this word - external versus internal validation.
External validation is the kind that we receive from others. Good job! Way to go! That was impressive! You’re such a hard worker! Excellent presentation! It often provides a nice warm feeling and boosts one's self-esteem and confidence.
Internal validation, on the other hand, comes from within. This is when you know that you’ve done a good job and don’t need to hear it from someone else to know that it is true. It represents personal satisfaction with oneself after meeting one’s own standards. It is independent of other people’s opinion. It is your own.
We all know a friend or family member who needs an abundance of external validation. These people often tend to tell stories about all of the great things they have done throughout their lives. Tales of times that they won, or triumphed over their adversary. Tales of great deals they found, or money that they made, or noteworthy career accomplishments. They sometimes put themselves down in the hope that the person listening will refute the self-critique and instead offer faint praise. For example, a person who asks, this dress makes me look fat, doesn’t it?, is really looking for external validation that she in fact looks great.
These people who seek constant validation can become exhausting, and frankly are no fun to be around. Nobody wants to listen to braggadocious stories all day, or have to heap false praise upon an insecure person. Nobody wants to feel pressured to heap compliments on someone when they don’t come from a genuine place. Listening, complimenting, and altogether pampering an individual in a one-sided direction is no fun, and in my opinion does not make the world a better place. Besides, these behaviors don’t solve the individual’s problems, but rather only serve to strengthen the individual’s addiction to external validation and reinforce his unpleasant habits. In short, if we could find a solution whereby these people no longer seek an abundance of external validation, that would be great for everyone.
Enter internal validation. While less discussed, and less overtly sought than external validation, it is the true salve to our aforementioned problem. Learning to cultivate internal validation can help these needy individuals to look inward for their confidence and self-esteem, rather than relying on other people’s time and energy to prop them up.
The process is rather simple to learn, but hard to cultivate into a proper habit. It begins by setting internal standards or criteria that determine whether success or progress is achieved. Once the action is performed, for example a presentation to coworkers, the individual then reviews his presentation with regards to the aforesaid criteria, and determines whether he performed an admirable or inferior job. If the job met the standards, then the individual may feel validated that he performed solid work, and helped the world as a result of his efforts. If the performance came up short, still applaud the effort, but put more focus on the areas of weakness and take the time to learn from one’s mistakes. Deep down, we usually know when we’ve done a good or poor job at something. We generally know if we look good or disheveled. We generally know if we are a good person or a schmuck. We actually don’t need other people to tell us this, but when we are insecure, we seek it anyway.
Developing the habit of looking towards ourselves for validation rather than others takes time. We may have such a strong habit of seeking others’ approval that we have to first stop that bad habit and gradually replace it with a better one. Changing behaviors and forming new habits takes work, and I won’t downplay the effort involved. But, the effort is worth it in numerous ways as I will suggest below.
Once the habit of looking inward for validation, rather than outward is established, we become altogether more resilient and independent. We begin relying on ourselves to lift us up, rather than someone else. We begin to brag less, and tell fewer stories that paint us in a positive light. We may begin talking at people less, and spend more time listening. We may spend less time insulting ourselves in the hopes that the other person will give us faint praise. In short, we become a better friend, a better person, and someone who is altogether more pleasant and enjoyable to be around. When we achieve this state of resilient independence, it allows us to be the best that we can be, focusing on helping and supporting others in this world, rather than always seeking validation from everyone we meet.
This state of resilient independence is not bulletproof, and by no means is sustainable indefinitely. Even the most internally resilient individuals need a touch of external validation occasionally, as doubt or confusion can creep in over time. Sometimes, we may be in an isolated state, or create something so unusual, that doubt over whether our work is actually valid or noteworthy is in question. This is understandable, and I reject such unrealistic expectations that any person could permanently escape the need for external validation again. But if we recognize the problem, and understand the benefits clearly, we can begin the work of weaning ourselves off of external validation, and begin cultivating internal validation. Not only will our friends and family thank us, but we will benefit from improved relationships and a feeling of improved resiliency. Regardless of what your goals are in life, better friendships and improved resiliency will undoubtedly help you in your endeavors. The empowering thought that our greatest strength lies within us, is more powerful than any compliment you may ever receive. Internal validation, if successfully implemented, is really another form of self-love, the most powerful force in the world. If we could all learn to love ourselves more, we could truly accomplish anything.
